Styles of Loving

Chapter 11 in our textbook discusses Committed Romantic Relationships and the different Styles of Loving. In class when presenting this assignment, Anthony and I defined what a committed romantic relationship was and the different dimensions of romantic relationships. We spent most of our time discussing the different styles of loving which I found very interesting. People differ in how they experience and express love. Understanding your romantic partner’s style of loving as well as your own can help strengthen the relationship.

There are three primary styles of love which are eros, storge, and ludus. There are also three secondary styles of love that are blends of the primary styles. Since I presented the secondary styles of love during our presentation, I wanted to explore the primary styles more closely.

 Eros is a powerful, passionate style of love that blazes to life suddenly and dramatically (pg. 280). Erotic lovers are more likely to disclose personal information early on in the relationship.  While many might think that women tend to make up the majority of this style of loving, research indicates that men are more likely to be erotic lovers according to our book. I believe this statistic based on my own personal experience. I tend to be more logical when it comes to love. I have standards for the type of man I want to date and I don’t like the idea of progressing very quickly in a relationship. I like to form a friendship in the dating stage before making something official. I have many guy friends that fit the erotic type. They meet a girl and if she is pretty and has one thing in common with them they are head over heels for the girl. The pining can start instantly and could last for a very long time; meanwhile, the girl doesn’t even know he exists. This is what I’ve seen in my guy friends but I know some women who definitely fall into this category as well.

Storge is a comfortable, even-keeled kind of love based on friendship and compatibility (pg. 280). This style of love tends to grow out of mutual interests, values, and life goals over a gradual period of time. This is definitely one of my styles of love. Of course it is necessary for moments of passion and spontaneity but I want this style of love to be at the core of my relationship with my boyfriend and one day future husband. An example of this type of love would be the relationship of Monica and Chandler on the show Friends. They have been friends for over ten years and eventually they decided that they felt comfortable and loved when together. This next clip shows what happens when one of their other friends finds out about Monica's and Chandler's new budding romance. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v44x7SFm3Eo&NR=1

The final primary style of love is ludus, which is playful love (pg. 280). This type of love is seen as a game and can be full of challenges, puzzles, and fun. This is not my ideal love style because commitment is not the end goal for ludics. They like to play the field and explore new and exciting options. Personal gain and enjoyment is the goal. Romance is definitely an element in this style of loving, but without commitment and being tied down. More men than women tend to be ludic lovers according to our textbook. I do agree that the majority of men I know are at this stage in their life right now while more women are looking to get married and start a family.

Many people’s love styles are combinations of two or more of the styles. My style of love is a blend of storge, ludus, and agape. I found a test online that allows people to discover there love languages as well.

Find Out Which Love Style You Are

 INSTRUCTIONS: Pull out a pen and paper and give it a try! Respond to each of the following statements with T if you believe the statement to be a generally accurate representation of your attitudes about love, or with F if you believe the statement does not adequately represent your attitudes about love.

• _____ My lover and I have the right physical “chemistry” between us.
• _____ I feel that my lover and I were meant for each other.
• _____ My lover and I really understand each other.
• _____ I believe that what my lover doesn’t know about me won’t hurt him/her.
• _____ My lover would get upset if he/she knew of some of the things I’ve done with other people.
• _____ When my lover gets too dependent on me, I want to back off a little.
• _____ I expect to always be friends with my lover.
• _____ Our love is really a deep friendship, not a mysterious, mystical emotion.
• _____ Our love relationship is the most satisfying because it developed from a good friendship.
• _____ In choosing my lover, I believed it was best to love someone with a similar background.
• _____ An important factor in choosing a partner is whether or not he/she would be a good parent.
• _____ One consideration in choosing my lover was how he/she would reflect on my career.
• _____ Sometimes I get so excited about being in love with my lover that I can’t sleep.
• _____ When my lover doesn’t pay attention to me, I feel sick all over.
• _____ I cannot relax if I suspect that my lover is with someone else.
• _____ I would rather suffer myself than let my lover suffer.
• _____ When my lover gets angry with me, I still love him/her fully and unconditionally.
• _____ I would endure all things for the sake of my lover.

HOW DID YOU DO? This scale is from Hendrick and Hendrick (1990) and is based on the work of Lee (1976), as is the text’s discussion of the six types of love. The statements refer to the six types of love described in the text: eros, ludus, storge, pragma, mania, and agape. Statements 1–3 are characteristic of the eros lover. If you answered “true” to these statements, you have a strong eros component to your love style; if you answered “false,” you have a weak eros component. Statements 4–6 refer to ludus love, 7–9 to storge love, 10–12 to pragma love, 13–15 to manic love, and 16–18 to agapic love.

Conflict May Be Expressed Overtly or Covertly

Conflict is inevitable in any relationship. This doesn’t always have to be a negative thing. There are 5 principles of interpersonal conflict. Our book discusses the 5 principles in detail from pages 225-230. I would like to focus primarily on the second principle but I’d like to quickly summarize all five principles for context and clarity. The first principle states that conflict is both natural and inevitable. The second principle discusses the two different ways conflict can be communicated, covertly and overtly. Third, conflict styles and meanings are shaped by social location. The fourth principle states that how we manage conflict influences its resolution and its impact on interpersonal climates. Lastly, the fifth principle shows us that conflict can be constructive for individuals and relationships. “We can build on these principles by discussing diverse ways that people approach and respond to conflict,” (pg. 230).

I would like to focus on Principle 2: Conflict may be expressed overtly or covertly. Overt conflict is out in the open and explicit (pg. 226). This type of conflict exists when people deal with their differences in a direct, straightforward manner. For example, depending on the couple they might engage in a shouting match, argue about their ideas in an intense manner, or they might calmly discuss their disagreement directly. In the heat of an argument I tend to always steer towards calmly discussing the disagreement with people I really care about. I like trying to resolve the conflict in the moment and as quickly as possible in order to be able to move on from that issue. However, when dealing with co-workers, class-mates, or acquaintances I might engage in more covert strategies of conflict.



Physical Violence is never acceptable



Covert conflict exists when people express their feelings and disagreements indirectly (pg. 226). If I am angry at another person, I might try to do something to hurt or upset them. I don’t think this is the healthy way to deal with conflict but if I’m not as invested in the relationship I tend not to put as much effort in and just react. A common form of covert conflict is passive aggression, which is acting aggressively while denying feelings or acting aggressive. The women in my family tend to engage in yelling matches and direct verbal putdowns while my dad is very passive aggressive. He will sometimes act cold and distant all while denying that anything is wrong at all.

When I think of overt conflict a specific television episode of Friends comes to mind. In the episode, Ross and Rachael have recently got back together after a long time apart. Ross and Rachael have an openly aggressive yelling match directed at each other right in front of their friends. They reveal intimate details about each other in order to embarrass the other person while also engaging in general putdowns and jabs. Be the judge for yourself if this clip is an example of overt or covert conflict.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fsvsRZhNVp4&playnext=1&list=PL694BCC397431A1D6&index=44

Finding Comfort with Dialectical Relationships

Being a Human Communication Major, I have fallen in love with Relational Dialectics. Chapter 8 in our textbook encourages healthy relationships to understand and to be comfortable with relational dialectics. Relational dialectics are the opposing forces, or tensions that are normal in relationships (pg. 200). There are three dialectics that are typically ongoing tensions in healthy relationships: autonomy vs. connection, novelty vs. predictability, and openness vs. closedness. These tensions are only considered problems if partners don’t understand that dialectics and the tension they generate are natural parts of relational life (pg. 202).



Autonomy





Connection



Autonomy vs. Connection is the struggle of wanting to be independent and the desire to be connected with others. For example, if you are in a romantic relationship, you want to have shared interests and spend quality time together. However, you also might want time to be alone or spend a night out with your friends to regain a sense of individualization. “The challenge is to preserve individuality while also nurturing connection in a relationship,” (pg. 201). I can see this in my own life when I interact with my boyfriend. There are plenty of evenings after long days of working or going to school and I just want to unwind with Ron by my side. However, many of those nights Ron would prefer to play video games or read alone in order to recharge. I have my moments in the morning as we are driving to school where I would prefer silence or being alone. Ron enjoys engaging in conversation and listening to music with me as we drive. We both do our best to communicate what we need from one another when we feel a need for autonomy or connection.

Novelty vs. Predictability is the tension between wanting routine and wanting novelty in a relationship. My best friend Jenni and I have routines during the week. We get together to work on school work on Sunday afternoons and some Monday evenings. We tend to go out to only a few select places for lunch or dinner like Mimi’s Café or Panera when we want to get together to talk. I enjoy our predictable routines when life is crazy and I need something constant. However, when things are mundane and need some shaking up I love to do different things with Jenni. She is more spontaneous than I am and always suggests fun crazy things to do that would not fall into our normal routine. For example, we might go out to L.A. for the evening and go to a club or head to Palm Springs for a girls getaway weekend. These trips aren’t practical for every weekend but they definitely moments I value in our friendship and look forward to many more girls’ night outs.

The third tension, openness vs. closedness, deals with the need for open communication while also needing a degree of privacy. For example, I enjoy disclosing details about my day and about my goals with my family. My family is full of open communicators and we are always fighting for control over the conversation. While I don’t mind opening up to my family about most things, I definitely enjoy maintaining a degree of privacy. My sister Krista is very forward and open when it comes to discussing her romantic life with our entire family. I’m talking about very intimate details that should remain between husband and wife. While I, on the other hand, tend to keep my romantic life private from my family because I don’t feel that my mother and father need to hear how attractive I find my boyfriend. I think it is important to know how to understand and work through these dialectical tensions in order to maintain healthy relationships.

Guidelines for Improving Verbal Communication: Respect What Others Say about Their Feelings and Thoughts



80's Aerobics Night

                                                               Chapter 4 discusses various ways we can improve the effectiveness in our verbal communication. I personally enjoyed reading about the section that dealt with respecting what others say about their feelings and thoughts. The book discusses various ways people can make you feel stupid for thinking or feeling something different from them. As an effective communicator, you should not dispute or put down what others say about what they think or feel. If you do not feel the same way as someone else, you can find a way to respect their feelings because they are an expert on their own feelings. Also, the author discusses how disconfirming it is to speak for someone else when they are able to speak for themselves. It is impossible to know completely what another person is thinking or feeling so we should not try to speak for them when they are capable of doing so for themselves. It is also important not to assume to know how someone from another culture feels or thinks because you cannot fully know what they are going through unless you share a common culture. Lastly, the author encourages the reader to respect and learn about perspectives, thoughts and feelings that differ from our own. Wood said, "Inviting others to clarify, extend, or explain their communication enlarges understanding between people."

     I am a volunteer in the high school ministry at my church. I love working with Jr. high and high school aged students. They are struggling to find their identities, eager to learn, and full of surprises (some good and some bad). I have my own small group of girls that consists of freshman and sophomore girls. I love hearing what these girls have to say; and believe me, they have a lot to say. This wasn't always the case. When I first volunteered with these girls when they were in 6th grade I wanted to mold them. I wanted to make good little Christian girls that would go off into the world and change it, make it better. At no point to I consider making time for random chit chat about their personal lives or just hanging out with them at the mall. I wanted to speak truth into their lives, have them hear me, and be moved to action. I could not have gone about working with young girls in a worse way. I did not account for the fact that I was working with young women in the making. I did not consider their thoughts or feelings as valid or take them into consideration at all.


     My first year of ministry was a struggle because I did not validate or encourage my girls to share their thoughts and feelings. They were able to speak for themselves, yet I tried to speak on their behalf because I thought I knew better. As time went on and I received input from other friends and leaders about how to be more effective with my students. The next year I shifted my focus from development to friendship. I really needed to start being a friend to these girls if I was ever going to gain their trust and respect. We started getting lunch on the weekends, toilet papering at 3am, watching Twilight at the Terra Vista $5 movie theater. After establishing a relationship with these young girls I developed genuine care about who they were and what they thought. I wanted to hear about what Jennie said about Sarah when she found out that Timmy was dating her best friend Jane. I wanted to know how Pam was dealing with her parents divorce and how that made her feel. I wanted to understand what it was like for Jane to go home to an abusive mother and a father who just watched.

  Over the years I have come to view these girls as young women who have a voice and aren't afraid to use it. I know I am eager to listen and learn about the internal struggles these girls go through everyday. I love hearing about their victories and triumphs. I love hearing them put their thoughts and feelings into words so not only I can hear them, but so others can start to hear them as well. I know I had the horrible thought that young adults opinions and feelings were not worth listening to or acknowledging. I also know that there are teachers, parents, and many other adults who feel that way now. I would hope that everyone could come to the conclusion that no matter what age are, we are all experts on our own thoughts and feelings and no one should make us doubt that for one second.  

Speech Communities: Misunderstandings between Gender Speech Communities

     In chapter 4 of our textbook the topic of speech communities is addressed. Julia T. Wood states that a speech community "exists when people share norms about how to use talk and what purposes it serves." Researchers have explored the way men and women are socialized into some different understandings of how communication functions, and the way their communication varies in practice. Our book highlights three areas of interest: Socialization into gender speech communities, gendered communication in practice, and misunderstandings between gender speech communities. I'd like to focus on the misunderstandings that take place between male and female speech communities.

    
    Misunderstanding occurs among different gender communities when men and women discuss problems. For example, if a woman tells a man about something that is bothering her, he offers a practical solution in order to try and resolve the problem. However, our book tells us that feminine communities see communication as a way to build connections with others, so they often look for empathy and discussion about their feelings to occur before searching for a solution. This is problematic because women can feel that men's responses to their problems are uncaring. Men may feel frustrated when women offer empathy instead of advice for solving their problems. Different styles of listening are another example of interactions between men and women that may lead to misunderstanding. Women tend to make listening noises such as "mmhmm", "yeah", and "I know what you mean." Masculine communities tend to use less listening noises when listening to others. Feminine communities can interpret this as poor listening or not caring. "Gender is just one example of many speech communities. Communication patterns vary among people from different social groups, even if they live in the same society," according to Wood.

     I found this concept particularly interesting because I found this information to very accurate, for the most part. My family consists of my mother and father and my three sisters. That means a lot of females under one roof. Growing up, I had always related to my father and we get along effortlessly. We both can just sit with one another and be comfortable with only a small exchange of words. My mother and sisters on the other hand like to discuss every facet of their day right when they walk in the room. I was never a very good listener in their eyes because I did not use listening noises when they told stories nor did I spend a lot of time empathizing with them. Instead, I would try to come up with a solution to their problem as quickly as possible because I wanted to fix the issue. I definitely practice a more masculine communication style than the rest of the women in my household and even in my relationship with my boyfriend.

     My boyfriend Ron and I have been dating for a little over two years now and I truly value our relationship. We are very much in love and in like with one another. I say it that way because I have relationships with people I love and feel an obligation to love because they are family or I am emotionally invested in the relationship. With Ron, I love and like to be around him all the time. It's not that butterfly feeling every time I see him like when we were dating but something so much more. I love his character, his integrity, his passion, and his loyalty. He's my best friend. That being said, we have different communication styles even though we belong to different speech communities. Ron embodies a feminine communication style while I encompass a masculine speech style. For example, I always want to help Ron solve is problems when listening to his concerns. I do not make the right listening noises and instead of empathizing with him I tend to go straight for the practical. I tend to forget that Ron is a very smart man and probably can come to a conclusion or solution to his problem on his own. However, he is choosing to share his problem with me to draw closer to me and build intimacy in our relationship. The way Ron and I are able to work through our different speech styles is by communicating what we need from one another. If Ron wants input and advice about a certain problem he makes that clear and I am more than willing to jump in. Ron has learned to do the same for me and comfort me in the ways I need to be comforted and I feel it has strengthened our relationship. 

I thought this clip demonstrated some of the differences in masculine speech communities and feminie speech communities.

Johari Window

     In class we were asked to draw our own Johari Window showing which sides of our self were open, hidden, blind, and unknown to our self and others. In chapter 2, our author discusses the guidelines for improving self-concept. One of the terms discussed is self-disclosure which is "revealing information about ourselves that others are unlikely to discover on their own." The Johari Window is an illustration that demonstrates the areas of our life that are known or unknown by ourselves and others. Our book discusses the four types of information that are relevant to the self:


     1. Open, or public, information is known both to us and to others. Your name, height, major, and tastes in music probably are open information that you share easily with others.
     2. The blind are contains information that others know about us be we don't know about ourselves. For example, others may see that we are insecure even though we think we've hidden that well. Others may also recognize needs or feelings that we haven't acknowledged to ourselves.
     3. Hidden information is what we know about ourselves but choose not to reveal to most others. You might not tell many people about your vulnerabilities or about traumas in your past because you consider this private information.
     4. The unknown area is made up of information that ourselves that neither we nor others know. This consists of your untapped resources, your untried talents, and your reactions to experiences you've never had. You don't know how you will manage a crisis until you've been in one, and you can't tell what kind of parent you will be unless you've had a child.

     My Johari Window consists of a large "open" area and a large "unknown" area. This has not always been the case in my life, however, various relationships and circumstances have shaped the way I choose to self disclose. The "hidden" area of my life used to be rather large compared to the other areas of my life throughout high school and even in the beginning of college. I knew a lot of things about my self that I was not ready to openly admit to my peers and role models. I did not want to let anyone too close to me in fear of ruining the facade I had so carefully built up over the years. I was the confident fun loving girl who had everything together. I knew what I wanted and nothing was going to stop me. I was an over achiever, ambitious, and always knew what to say. I am still very much that girl, but I am also scared, uncertain, insecure, I have low self-esteem, and I have no idea what I want to do with my life. I was willing to show everyone the best of me but never the doubts or insecurities. Therefore, I had a "hidden" area of my life that was well known to me and very exhausting to maintain.

     As I grew older, friends came and went, and everything I thought I knew and wanted began to shift, I learned to develop my "blind" area and embrace the "unknown" areas in my life instead of fear them. I started by being more open about the fact that I was a person who makes mistakes about as often as I get things right. I started to share with a small circle of close friends that I am not as strong as I pretend to be. I was able to start hearing what my close friends were saying about me that I didn't believe to be true about myself. Some truths were hard to hear, some were affirming, and others were unmarked territory. I learned a lot about myself from others and it started by being honest. Now that I can honestly say I know a lot more about who I am and who I don't want to be. I don't know what life has in store for me which used to scare me more than I can put into words. But now, those unknown areas of my life are uncharted experiences that I will be ready to face because I have a better understanding of who I am and what is important to me.