Guidelines for Improving Verbal Communication: Respect What Others Say about Their Feelings and Thoughts



80's Aerobics Night

                                                               Chapter 4 discusses various ways we can improve the effectiveness in our verbal communication. I personally enjoyed reading about the section that dealt with respecting what others say about their feelings and thoughts. The book discusses various ways people can make you feel stupid for thinking or feeling something different from them. As an effective communicator, you should not dispute or put down what others say about what they think or feel. If you do not feel the same way as someone else, you can find a way to respect their feelings because they are an expert on their own feelings. Also, the author discusses how disconfirming it is to speak for someone else when they are able to speak for themselves. It is impossible to know completely what another person is thinking or feeling so we should not try to speak for them when they are capable of doing so for themselves. It is also important not to assume to know how someone from another culture feels or thinks because you cannot fully know what they are going through unless you share a common culture. Lastly, the author encourages the reader to respect and learn about perspectives, thoughts and feelings that differ from our own. Wood said, "Inviting others to clarify, extend, or explain their communication enlarges understanding between people."

     I am a volunteer in the high school ministry at my church. I love working with Jr. high and high school aged students. They are struggling to find their identities, eager to learn, and full of surprises (some good and some bad). I have my own small group of girls that consists of freshman and sophomore girls. I love hearing what these girls have to say; and believe me, they have a lot to say. This wasn't always the case. When I first volunteered with these girls when they were in 6th grade I wanted to mold them. I wanted to make good little Christian girls that would go off into the world and change it, make it better. At no point to I consider making time for random chit chat about their personal lives or just hanging out with them at the mall. I wanted to speak truth into their lives, have them hear me, and be moved to action. I could not have gone about working with young girls in a worse way. I did not account for the fact that I was working with young women in the making. I did not consider their thoughts or feelings as valid or take them into consideration at all.


     My first year of ministry was a struggle because I did not validate or encourage my girls to share their thoughts and feelings. They were able to speak for themselves, yet I tried to speak on their behalf because I thought I knew better. As time went on and I received input from other friends and leaders about how to be more effective with my students. The next year I shifted my focus from development to friendship. I really needed to start being a friend to these girls if I was ever going to gain their trust and respect. We started getting lunch on the weekends, toilet papering at 3am, watching Twilight at the Terra Vista $5 movie theater. After establishing a relationship with these young girls I developed genuine care about who they were and what they thought. I wanted to hear about what Jennie said about Sarah when she found out that Timmy was dating her best friend Jane. I wanted to know how Pam was dealing with her parents divorce and how that made her feel. I wanted to understand what it was like for Jane to go home to an abusive mother and a father who just watched.

  Over the years I have come to view these girls as young women who have a voice and aren't afraid to use it. I know I am eager to listen and learn about the internal struggles these girls go through everyday. I love hearing about their victories and triumphs. I love hearing them put their thoughts and feelings into words so not only I can hear them, but so others can start to hear them as well. I know I had the horrible thought that young adults opinions and feelings were not worth listening to or acknowledging. I also know that there are teachers, parents, and many other adults who feel that way now. I would hope that everyone could come to the conclusion that no matter what age are, we are all experts on our own thoughts and feelings and no one should make us doubt that for one second.