Styles of Loving

Chapter 11 in our textbook discusses Committed Romantic Relationships and the different Styles of Loving. In class when presenting this assignment, Anthony and I defined what a committed romantic relationship was and the different dimensions of romantic relationships. We spent most of our time discussing the different styles of loving which I found very interesting. People differ in how they experience and express love. Understanding your romantic partner’s style of loving as well as your own can help strengthen the relationship.

There are three primary styles of love which are eros, storge, and ludus. There are also three secondary styles of love that are blends of the primary styles. Since I presented the secondary styles of love during our presentation, I wanted to explore the primary styles more closely.

 Eros is a powerful, passionate style of love that blazes to life suddenly and dramatically (pg. 280). Erotic lovers are more likely to disclose personal information early on in the relationship.  While many might think that women tend to make up the majority of this style of loving, research indicates that men are more likely to be erotic lovers according to our book. I believe this statistic based on my own personal experience. I tend to be more logical when it comes to love. I have standards for the type of man I want to date and I don’t like the idea of progressing very quickly in a relationship. I like to form a friendship in the dating stage before making something official. I have many guy friends that fit the erotic type. They meet a girl and if she is pretty and has one thing in common with them they are head over heels for the girl. The pining can start instantly and could last for a very long time; meanwhile, the girl doesn’t even know he exists. This is what I’ve seen in my guy friends but I know some women who definitely fall into this category as well.

Storge is a comfortable, even-keeled kind of love based on friendship and compatibility (pg. 280). This style of love tends to grow out of mutual interests, values, and life goals over a gradual period of time. This is definitely one of my styles of love. Of course it is necessary for moments of passion and spontaneity but I want this style of love to be at the core of my relationship with my boyfriend and one day future husband. An example of this type of love would be the relationship of Monica and Chandler on the show Friends. They have been friends for over ten years and eventually they decided that they felt comfortable and loved when together. This next clip shows what happens when one of their other friends finds out about Monica's and Chandler's new budding romance. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v44x7SFm3Eo&NR=1

The final primary style of love is ludus, which is playful love (pg. 280). This type of love is seen as a game and can be full of challenges, puzzles, and fun. This is not my ideal love style because commitment is not the end goal for ludics. They like to play the field and explore new and exciting options. Personal gain and enjoyment is the goal. Romance is definitely an element in this style of loving, but without commitment and being tied down. More men than women tend to be ludic lovers according to our textbook. I do agree that the majority of men I know are at this stage in their life right now while more women are looking to get married and start a family.

Many people’s love styles are combinations of two or more of the styles. My style of love is a blend of storge, ludus, and agape. I found a test online that allows people to discover there love languages as well.

Find Out Which Love Style You Are

 INSTRUCTIONS: Pull out a pen and paper and give it a try! Respond to each of the following statements with T if you believe the statement to be a generally accurate representation of your attitudes about love, or with F if you believe the statement does not adequately represent your attitudes about love.

• _____ My lover and I have the right physical “chemistry” between us.
• _____ I feel that my lover and I were meant for each other.
• _____ My lover and I really understand each other.
• _____ I believe that what my lover doesn’t know about me won’t hurt him/her.
• _____ My lover would get upset if he/she knew of some of the things I’ve done with other people.
• _____ When my lover gets too dependent on me, I want to back off a little.
• _____ I expect to always be friends with my lover.
• _____ Our love is really a deep friendship, not a mysterious, mystical emotion.
• _____ Our love relationship is the most satisfying because it developed from a good friendship.
• _____ In choosing my lover, I believed it was best to love someone with a similar background.
• _____ An important factor in choosing a partner is whether or not he/she would be a good parent.
• _____ One consideration in choosing my lover was how he/she would reflect on my career.
• _____ Sometimes I get so excited about being in love with my lover that I can’t sleep.
• _____ When my lover doesn’t pay attention to me, I feel sick all over.
• _____ I cannot relax if I suspect that my lover is with someone else.
• _____ I would rather suffer myself than let my lover suffer.
• _____ When my lover gets angry with me, I still love him/her fully and unconditionally.
• _____ I would endure all things for the sake of my lover.

HOW DID YOU DO? This scale is from Hendrick and Hendrick (1990) and is based on the work of Lee (1976), as is the text’s discussion of the six types of love. The statements refer to the six types of love described in the text: eros, ludus, storge, pragma, mania, and agape. Statements 1–3 are characteristic of the eros lover. If you answered “true” to these statements, you have a strong eros component to your love style; if you answered “false,” you have a weak eros component. Statements 4–6 refer to ludus love, 7–9 to storge love, 10–12 to pragma love, 13–15 to manic love, and 16–18 to agapic love.