Finding Comfort with Dialectical Relationships

Being a Human Communication Major, I have fallen in love with Relational Dialectics. Chapter 8 in our textbook encourages healthy relationships to understand and to be comfortable with relational dialectics. Relational dialectics are the opposing forces, or tensions that are normal in relationships (pg. 200). There are three dialectics that are typically ongoing tensions in healthy relationships: autonomy vs. connection, novelty vs. predictability, and openness vs. closedness. These tensions are only considered problems if partners don’t understand that dialectics and the tension they generate are natural parts of relational life (pg. 202).



Autonomy





Connection



Autonomy vs. Connection is the struggle of wanting to be independent and the desire to be connected with others. For example, if you are in a romantic relationship, you want to have shared interests and spend quality time together. However, you also might want time to be alone or spend a night out with your friends to regain a sense of individualization. “The challenge is to preserve individuality while also nurturing connection in a relationship,” (pg. 201). I can see this in my own life when I interact with my boyfriend. There are plenty of evenings after long days of working or going to school and I just want to unwind with Ron by my side. However, many of those nights Ron would prefer to play video games or read alone in order to recharge. I have my moments in the morning as we are driving to school where I would prefer silence or being alone. Ron enjoys engaging in conversation and listening to music with me as we drive. We both do our best to communicate what we need from one another when we feel a need for autonomy or connection.

Novelty vs. Predictability is the tension between wanting routine and wanting novelty in a relationship. My best friend Jenni and I have routines during the week. We get together to work on school work on Sunday afternoons and some Monday evenings. We tend to go out to only a few select places for lunch or dinner like Mimi’s Café or Panera when we want to get together to talk. I enjoy our predictable routines when life is crazy and I need something constant. However, when things are mundane and need some shaking up I love to do different things with Jenni. She is more spontaneous than I am and always suggests fun crazy things to do that would not fall into our normal routine. For example, we might go out to L.A. for the evening and go to a club or head to Palm Springs for a girls getaway weekend. These trips aren’t practical for every weekend but they definitely moments I value in our friendship and look forward to many more girls’ night outs.

The third tension, openness vs. closedness, deals with the need for open communication while also needing a degree of privacy. For example, I enjoy disclosing details about my day and about my goals with my family. My family is full of open communicators and we are always fighting for control over the conversation. While I don’t mind opening up to my family about most things, I definitely enjoy maintaining a degree of privacy. My sister Krista is very forward and open when it comes to discussing her romantic life with our entire family. I’m talking about very intimate details that should remain between husband and wife. While I, on the other hand, tend to keep my romantic life private from my family because I don’t feel that my mother and father need to hear how attractive I find my boyfriend. I think it is important to know how to understand and work through these dialectical tensions in order to maintain healthy relationships.