Styles of Loving

Chapter 11 in our textbook discusses Committed Romantic Relationships and the different Styles of Loving. In class when presenting this assignment, Anthony and I defined what a committed romantic relationship was and the different dimensions of romantic relationships. We spent most of our time discussing the different styles of loving which I found very interesting. People differ in how they experience and express love. Understanding your romantic partner’s style of loving as well as your own can help strengthen the relationship.

There are three primary styles of love which are eros, storge, and ludus. There are also three secondary styles of love that are blends of the primary styles. Since I presented the secondary styles of love during our presentation, I wanted to explore the primary styles more closely.

 Eros is a powerful, passionate style of love that blazes to life suddenly and dramatically (pg. 280). Erotic lovers are more likely to disclose personal information early on in the relationship.  While many might think that women tend to make up the majority of this style of loving, research indicates that men are more likely to be erotic lovers according to our book. I believe this statistic based on my own personal experience. I tend to be more logical when it comes to love. I have standards for the type of man I want to date and I don’t like the idea of progressing very quickly in a relationship. I like to form a friendship in the dating stage before making something official. I have many guy friends that fit the erotic type. They meet a girl and if she is pretty and has one thing in common with them they are head over heels for the girl. The pining can start instantly and could last for a very long time; meanwhile, the girl doesn’t even know he exists. This is what I’ve seen in my guy friends but I know some women who definitely fall into this category as well.

Storge is a comfortable, even-keeled kind of love based on friendship and compatibility (pg. 280). This style of love tends to grow out of mutual interests, values, and life goals over a gradual period of time. This is definitely one of my styles of love. Of course it is necessary for moments of passion and spontaneity but I want this style of love to be at the core of my relationship with my boyfriend and one day future husband. An example of this type of love would be the relationship of Monica and Chandler on the show Friends. They have been friends for over ten years and eventually they decided that they felt comfortable and loved when together. This next clip shows what happens when one of their other friends finds out about Monica's and Chandler's new budding romance. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v44x7SFm3Eo&NR=1

The final primary style of love is ludus, which is playful love (pg. 280). This type of love is seen as a game and can be full of challenges, puzzles, and fun. This is not my ideal love style because commitment is not the end goal for ludics. They like to play the field and explore new and exciting options. Personal gain and enjoyment is the goal. Romance is definitely an element in this style of loving, but without commitment and being tied down. More men than women tend to be ludic lovers according to our textbook. I do agree that the majority of men I know are at this stage in their life right now while more women are looking to get married and start a family.

Many people’s love styles are combinations of two or more of the styles. My style of love is a blend of storge, ludus, and agape. I found a test online that allows people to discover there love languages as well.

Find Out Which Love Style You Are

 INSTRUCTIONS: Pull out a pen and paper and give it a try! Respond to each of the following statements with T if you believe the statement to be a generally accurate representation of your attitudes about love, or with F if you believe the statement does not adequately represent your attitudes about love.

• _____ My lover and I have the right physical “chemistry” between us.
• _____ I feel that my lover and I were meant for each other.
• _____ My lover and I really understand each other.
• _____ I believe that what my lover doesn’t know about me won’t hurt him/her.
• _____ My lover would get upset if he/she knew of some of the things I’ve done with other people.
• _____ When my lover gets too dependent on me, I want to back off a little.
• _____ I expect to always be friends with my lover.
• _____ Our love is really a deep friendship, not a mysterious, mystical emotion.
• _____ Our love relationship is the most satisfying because it developed from a good friendship.
• _____ In choosing my lover, I believed it was best to love someone with a similar background.
• _____ An important factor in choosing a partner is whether or not he/she would be a good parent.
• _____ One consideration in choosing my lover was how he/she would reflect on my career.
• _____ Sometimes I get so excited about being in love with my lover that I can’t sleep.
• _____ When my lover doesn’t pay attention to me, I feel sick all over.
• _____ I cannot relax if I suspect that my lover is with someone else.
• _____ I would rather suffer myself than let my lover suffer.
• _____ When my lover gets angry with me, I still love him/her fully and unconditionally.
• _____ I would endure all things for the sake of my lover.

HOW DID YOU DO? This scale is from Hendrick and Hendrick (1990) and is based on the work of Lee (1976), as is the text’s discussion of the six types of love. The statements refer to the six types of love described in the text: eros, ludus, storge, pragma, mania, and agape. Statements 1–3 are characteristic of the eros lover. If you answered “true” to these statements, you have a strong eros component to your love style; if you answered “false,” you have a weak eros component. Statements 4–6 refer to ludus love, 7–9 to storge love, 10–12 to pragma love, 13–15 to manic love, and 16–18 to agapic love.

Conflict May Be Expressed Overtly or Covertly

Conflict is inevitable in any relationship. This doesn’t always have to be a negative thing. There are 5 principles of interpersonal conflict. Our book discusses the 5 principles in detail from pages 225-230. I would like to focus primarily on the second principle but I’d like to quickly summarize all five principles for context and clarity. The first principle states that conflict is both natural and inevitable. The second principle discusses the two different ways conflict can be communicated, covertly and overtly. Third, conflict styles and meanings are shaped by social location. The fourth principle states that how we manage conflict influences its resolution and its impact on interpersonal climates. Lastly, the fifth principle shows us that conflict can be constructive for individuals and relationships. “We can build on these principles by discussing diverse ways that people approach and respond to conflict,” (pg. 230).

I would like to focus on Principle 2: Conflict may be expressed overtly or covertly. Overt conflict is out in the open and explicit (pg. 226). This type of conflict exists when people deal with their differences in a direct, straightforward manner. For example, depending on the couple they might engage in a shouting match, argue about their ideas in an intense manner, or they might calmly discuss their disagreement directly. In the heat of an argument I tend to always steer towards calmly discussing the disagreement with people I really care about. I like trying to resolve the conflict in the moment and as quickly as possible in order to be able to move on from that issue. However, when dealing with co-workers, class-mates, or acquaintances I might engage in more covert strategies of conflict.



Physical Violence is never acceptable



Covert conflict exists when people express their feelings and disagreements indirectly (pg. 226). If I am angry at another person, I might try to do something to hurt or upset them. I don’t think this is the healthy way to deal with conflict but if I’m not as invested in the relationship I tend not to put as much effort in and just react. A common form of covert conflict is passive aggression, which is acting aggressively while denying feelings or acting aggressive. The women in my family tend to engage in yelling matches and direct verbal putdowns while my dad is very passive aggressive. He will sometimes act cold and distant all while denying that anything is wrong at all.

When I think of overt conflict a specific television episode of Friends comes to mind. In the episode, Ross and Rachael have recently got back together after a long time apart. Ross and Rachael have an openly aggressive yelling match directed at each other right in front of their friends. They reveal intimate details about each other in order to embarrass the other person while also engaging in general putdowns and jabs. Be the judge for yourself if this clip is an example of overt or covert conflict.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fsvsRZhNVp4&playnext=1&list=PL694BCC397431A1D6&index=44

Finding Comfort with Dialectical Relationships

Being a Human Communication Major, I have fallen in love with Relational Dialectics. Chapter 8 in our textbook encourages healthy relationships to understand and to be comfortable with relational dialectics. Relational dialectics are the opposing forces, or tensions that are normal in relationships (pg. 200). There are three dialectics that are typically ongoing tensions in healthy relationships: autonomy vs. connection, novelty vs. predictability, and openness vs. closedness. These tensions are only considered problems if partners don’t understand that dialectics and the tension they generate are natural parts of relational life (pg. 202).



Autonomy





Connection



Autonomy vs. Connection is the struggle of wanting to be independent and the desire to be connected with others. For example, if you are in a romantic relationship, you want to have shared interests and spend quality time together. However, you also might want time to be alone or spend a night out with your friends to regain a sense of individualization. “The challenge is to preserve individuality while also nurturing connection in a relationship,” (pg. 201). I can see this in my own life when I interact with my boyfriend. There are plenty of evenings after long days of working or going to school and I just want to unwind with Ron by my side. However, many of those nights Ron would prefer to play video games or read alone in order to recharge. I have my moments in the morning as we are driving to school where I would prefer silence or being alone. Ron enjoys engaging in conversation and listening to music with me as we drive. We both do our best to communicate what we need from one another when we feel a need for autonomy or connection.

Novelty vs. Predictability is the tension between wanting routine and wanting novelty in a relationship. My best friend Jenni and I have routines during the week. We get together to work on school work on Sunday afternoons and some Monday evenings. We tend to go out to only a few select places for lunch or dinner like Mimi’s Café or Panera when we want to get together to talk. I enjoy our predictable routines when life is crazy and I need something constant. However, when things are mundane and need some shaking up I love to do different things with Jenni. She is more spontaneous than I am and always suggests fun crazy things to do that would not fall into our normal routine. For example, we might go out to L.A. for the evening and go to a club or head to Palm Springs for a girls getaway weekend. These trips aren’t practical for every weekend but they definitely moments I value in our friendship and look forward to many more girls’ night outs.

The third tension, openness vs. closedness, deals with the need for open communication while also needing a degree of privacy. For example, I enjoy disclosing details about my day and about my goals with my family. My family is full of open communicators and we are always fighting for control over the conversation. While I don’t mind opening up to my family about most things, I definitely enjoy maintaining a degree of privacy. My sister Krista is very forward and open when it comes to discussing her romantic life with our entire family. I’m talking about very intimate details that should remain between husband and wife. While I, on the other hand, tend to keep my romantic life private from my family because I don’t feel that my mother and father need to hear how attractive I find my boyfriend. I think it is important to know how to understand and work through these dialectical tensions in order to maintain healthy relationships.